They say that your childhood can determine the kind of person you will become, and effect you in many ways even throughout your adulthood. Whether you believe it or not, it has held true for me. I don't remember feeling loved, appreciated, or valued as I was growing up. I don't remember receiving hugs and kisses from my mother. I don't remember her telling me that she loved me before I went to bed at night. Im not saying that it never happened, but it obviously wasn't often enough because I have no recollection of it at all. To me intimacy means the ability to give your whole self to someone else, to allow someone to truly see who you are on the inside. It also means truly opening yourself up in order for someone to unconditionally love you, and not for who you pretend to be but for who you truly are. In actions we as humans show it in a hug, kiss, cuddle, saying I love you, and the act of sex. I feel anxious, nervous, and afraid when I do any of these things. It took me until the age of 22 to get used to hugging other people. To this day it still isn't a natural thing to say I love You to my mother. I have come to have negative feeling to saying it specifically to her because the only time she tells me that she loves me is when she is drunk. I tried to investigate within myself why that bothers me so, and it is simply because a part of me doesn't believe her when she says it. I mean I guess the practical part of me knows that she loves me because I am her child. But the part of me that is intouch with reality knows that she doesn't really love ME. She doesn't know who I truly am. Our mother daughter relationship is missing so many things that a good one should have, intimacy, understanding, unconditional love, and most of all honesty. I don't share many things that are of importance to me with her. You may think that is wrong, but I had to learn to protect myself. I had given so much of myself to her, praying for her to see me, for her to accept that we are different, for her to respect my opinion, but that has never happened. There is a extremely large part of me that longs for all of these things: hugs, kisses, cuddeling etc. I long for it everyday, my soul craves it, desires it every minute of everyday of my life. I no longer want to be afraid to hug someone, or to allow them to touch me. I want to be freed of this jail cell, to release the chains. I don't pray for a good man, a new car, or even a million dollars. I pray at night for something worth so much more. I pray for intimacy. I pray for the day that someone will truly, truly see me, and love me just the same.
Amen....
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