Self Discovery....possible recovery

I am surprised -at even myself
keeping up these sherades
regurtating my same ole practiced line- "Im good, Im doing just fine"
it leaves my lips so effortlessly
its almost like a joke you see, to know that I know something they dont know
i guess its my fault really because no one on this earth truly knows the real me
I apologize if you feel hoodwinked- tricked, that was not my intention
but I guess I should mention, that even I dont know who me is
the gift of sight brings along pain as its counterpart
simease twins- their one in the same
long distance cousins with love and war
ahhh sookie sookie now, the family tree has begun to shake
weak at its roots due to all the blood shed and heartache
i feel like a stranger -not to everyone else but to myself
to others im funny, a loyal friend, and sometimes a bitch
they know the me I show them, the mask- the cover up
somehow I feel like she burried
damn I wish I had a shovel, even I woulda dug her up
cleared off the dirt and dubree, breathed life into her lungs
transferring energy from my soul to hers
I mean from my soul to mines
see your just as confused as I
maybe the real me has things to hide
mentally unstable, the ruffeling of feathers maybe I just cant take
so I let this so called me live for me
smile, walk, talk, even love for me
that way I dont feel the pain, or dreary circumstance
atleast for now I can play make believe
so when you see me smile, or hear my laugh
dont take it personal, because for now even for me
its just easier to believe, that what you see is the real me

Hanging Angels....I bear the blood

Clickety clack, clickety clack
what is that awful sound?
Where mam did you get those mounds across your back?
reading between the lines of broken flesh
lines blurred and scarred between prejudice and hate
children crying for their mothers, taken from the nipple before true time
sold into a life of serving food and pussy to massa
chained up like cargo, shipped away by the masses
clickety clack, clickety clack
what on earth is that awful sound?
Black skin ment you worked your chocolate dipped fingers in the fields
caramel women labored inside, shaded with dry wall and fine china
only to bear massa's children- instead of the heat
reading, writing- luxuries only afforded with their life
lives left behind- stuck within the lasso hanging from the branches
cherry oak trees stained with the blood, black, african blood
torn rags worn to cover their bodies- stripped naked on the inside
stripped of the right to choose, voice silenced- choked by the smoke emitted from the rifle
bullets, whips, knives holding their power hostage
clickety clack, clickety clack
what is that awful sound?
looking at the glow of my skin, in the morning light
the natural curl of my hair passed down, up and around from generations to me
those same whips I subconsciously bear
praying to the same God, to bring my people thru yet another storm
creek waters so high- to high for me alone to tread
my ancestors spirits were released from those chains, let down from the lasso's
in me they breathe, in you they speak
in her they rejoice
in us they live
In us they live

Sugary High?!

"I feel like a apple sitting in a candy store, and you are the kid running around stuffing his face with sugary treats and never looking twice in my direction...the candy is good for a while but eventually give you cavities, stomachaches, and a false high...now your looking at me with regret, i tried to tell you i have all the substance you need"
quote

Cloudy Skies

"I know its hard to see threw all the obstacles, heart-ache, dishonesty, wayward intentions, and long-winded lies....but im right here. So close-but in your mind anything good is anything but close, its almost impossible to fathom"
quote

Looking Behind

"I keep looking behind me... thinking that I saw something in my peripherial after the thousandth time of not seeing anything there, I realize that it was my unconscious remembering when you had my back. But now that you're gone, I have no choice but to watch my own back".
Quote

Screwed Up

"One day were gonna look back and say "what the hell was I thinking!?" to our young selves. But until then Im going to keep screwing up- WHY? because no matter what decisions I make somehow, somewhere there are laughs to be stumbled upon, and joys to be captured"!..........#ScrewUp4Life
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Red Lights Flashing

Screaming, yelling, furniture being rearranged
red lights flashing, thunder is roaring
cries are muffled, pain is burried
Love doesn't exhist!
Love doesn't exhist!
or is it I that has ceased to decist?
hell is all around me, only way to heaven is thru me
me, who am me? or should i say who am i?
nothing! no one! lost! a poor lost soul!
the world is designed to break me- whatever me is
stones, everyone throwing stones
no! everyone is stoned- and therefore throwed
high, not present
light bulbs are on, but no one has learned the lesson
so therefore this day stays on repeat
going through the motions
motions of emotions makes me sick
no medicine is prescribed, because its all in their veins
insane is what i feel
I know its reality! but is it really real?
this vessel Im in- I can't feel
numb and stuck, complaicent is my reality
no superman, no captain save a hoe
oh no! thats la la land
in here is where I must stand
in this fucked up circumstance
Screaming, yelling, furniture being rearranged
red lights flashing, thunder is roaring
cries are muffled, pain is burried
Love doesn't exhist!
Love doesn't exhist!
or is it I that has ceased to decist?

True Love...

"True love isn't about the butterflies you get, the desire to be with the person, the constant thinking about the feel of their lips.....its about whats left after the butterflies stop fluttering, after you stop presenting your best self and show the real, its them loving the bad parts of you as well as the good".
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Not giving a damn

So, I've started this weight loss challenge with myself. And the more I stay committed to it, and get stronger and more fit I get everyday- the more I realize that my wanting to loose weight and get in better shape doesn't have a damn thing to do with the actual weight. Its about shedding all the bullshit that has manifested itself as weight. My past was messed- if u read my blogs you know this already. And the more I went through the more weight I gained. I used it as a sheild, to keep people at bay. I didn't descriminate, idc wheter you had a penis or a vagina- I just wanted people to stay the hell away from me. This weight loss goal is not just about the freakum dress ima buy when I reach my goal. But its about saying FUCK YOU! to everyone that has done me dirty. As my waist line shrinks, so will my enemies. Im tired of living under a damn rock, just because people are assholes. Now please don't take this as a "im fat, and ugly with low self-esteem" type or rant because its not. Im fabulous- fat or not. Thats not the point, the point is that I no longer need this sheild. Im stronger by my damn self to handle ignorant mofos. Mostly men, boyfriend...whatever you wanna call them. This is about knowing my worth as a strong, beautiful, multi-talented black woman. My new attitude is to do me, and leave the dumb shyt behind. Validation is something that I will be providing for my damn-self. So just to give the men of the world some advise- im not like any other chick that you've ever meet, so you can leave your games, your so called magic penis, and mouth peice at the door, cuz it takes more than a few tricks to get a standing ovation from me.
Deuces

Fuckitty, fuck, fuck, fuck

They say that girls are attracted to the kind of guy their father is or was. And that would make total sense because my dad has always been a bit of a rolling stone, hes always had multiple girlfriends at the same time. Am i the only one left on this damn planet that believes in monogamy? I dont wanna look back at my fuckedem list and see a long list of names. Believing that I could just be with one person for my whole life would mean believing in fairy tales, and my imagination doesnt extend to dumbass land. Everyone keeps telling me that i need to find a dude thats a virgin. But that aint even in the cards for me, shid fuck dat! Yeah, I know I sound like a hypocrite, but its the truth. 2 confused muthafuckas dont need to be together, real talk. I like the idea of not being in control- (i just realized this). Thats why Im attracted to niggas that practically fuck for a living. For some reason I'm always attracted to a challenge. And for some reason the challenge is usually that they are emotionally unavailable, or not looking to be serious, or are unsure about getting involved with a virgin. Sometimes I like to show a little of my aggressive side, do a little bit of the chasing, but Im definately more into letting the guy chase me. Although I can't stand when a guy is too eager- my nose turns up faster than a hooker runnin outta church. Hell yeah im a little messed up lol, but the more I write the more I realize Im in great company!
Deuces

R.I.P to Scared and on to the NewNew

I woke up this morning with a overwelming feeling of "its gonna be alright". If you know me- meaning that I talk to you on a deep level, then you know that I been going through some things emotionally since I moved back to Cleveland. My new attitude is to do me, which is something I never do- im always taking care of someone else's needs before my own. Im looking at all the things that I do have and being grateful for them. I am a recent graduate of college, I have 2 college degrees, and I'm georgous! hahaha (something like confident- not conceided). But on some real stuff Ima start celebrating myself cuz aint nobody else gonna do it. Im proud of all the things I have accomplished and I should be I've worked damn hard for them. Yeah I still have my emotional issues but Im all about trying to move past them. I have people in my life that love me, Ive become an Aunty, I found my sisters that I havent seen in 8+ years, Im breathing, my God loves me for me etc. Yeah I would say that I have alot to be happy about. I may not have a whole book full of friends, but the ones I do have mean the world to me. Even my most recent friend, the friendship was unexpected- but it feels so good to talk to someone that understands me because he has been through the same thing. In closing, im just say that I'm blessed and I know that draws haters- but I aint gon stop em....hate on hate on!.
On My New New Shyt!

Scared Shitless

Trusting, loving, caring, investing emotionally, connecting, the unknown....all of these things scare the shit out of me. He, he also scares the shit out of me, giving a fuck about him scares the shit out of me. Having to hold back my true feelings- deny them, because the truth is if I say them out loud it will shed a light on them and I will have no choice but to face what I am really feeling. Caring about this person leaves me open, vulnerable, and unprotected. When Im single and not interested in anyone I feel lonely but safe. There's no way that someone can disappoint or hurt me if their not there. I don't know what it is but ever since christmas my emotions have been out of wack. I don't know if it was because I was back in Cleveland, a city that holds many painful memories for me. Maybe me moving to Pittsburgh allowed me 4 years to be able to surpress my emotions instead of dealing with them. And now that Iv'e moved back, so have the emotions. I get a couple of laughs everyday, but not enough release this darkness that has come over me. I feel like the quiet, akward girl with self esteem issues that I used to be. Forget the person that you've seen for the past 4 years, before that I was a wreck. A suicidal emotional wreck. I feel stronger than I did back then, but Im not where I wanna be- which is past it all and its making me sad and angry. Those are two emotions that I despise, emotions that i hate and have spent the last 4 years trying to kill them off. Who knew that a move would cause them to resurface. I know for a fact that I'm not strong enough to handle this on my own, im not. Im just tired of being alone. All I need is that one unselfish person that wants to make sure im ok. One that truly gives a fuck about me! No man, and I mean no man has ever shown me that before.
Scared Shitless