Trusting, loving, caring, investing emotionally, connecting, the unknown....all of these things scare the shit out of me. He, he also scares the shit out of me, giving a fuck about him scares the shit out of me. Having to hold back my true feelings- deny them, because the truth is if I say them out loud it will shed a light on them and I will have no choice but to face what I am really feeling. Caring about this person leaves me open, vulnerable, and unprotected. When Im single and not interested in anyone I feel lonely but safe. There's no way that someone can disappoint or hurt me if their not there. I don't know what it is but ever since christmas my emotions have been out of wack. I don't know if it was because I was back in Cleveland, a city that holds many painful memories for me. Maybe me moving to Pittsburgh allowed me 4 years to be able to surpress my emotions instead of dealing with them. And now that Iv'e moved back, so have the emotions. I get a couple of laughs everyday, but not enough release this darkness that has come over me. I feel like the quiet, akward girl with self esteem issues that I used to be. Forget the person that you've seen for the past 4 years, before that I was a wreck. A suicidal emotional wreck. I feel stronger than I did back then, but Im not where I wanna be- which is past it all and its making me sad and angry. Those are two emotions that I despise, emotions that i hate and have spent the last 4 years trying to kill them off. Who knew that a move would cause them to resurface. I know for a fact that I'm not strong enough to handle this on my own, im not. Im just tired of being alone. All I need is that one unselfish person that wants to make sure im ok. One that truly gives a fuck about me! No man, and I mean no man has ever shown me that before.
Scared Shitless
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